Unmuted Tendencies

Every year before summer arrives, I make a list of movies I believe would be worthy to see on the big screen. Worthy enough for me to fork out an $8 matinee ticket which I could be spending on 2 gallons of gas. For 2008 my list is:

1. Iron Man
2. Indian Jones 4
3. Wall-E
4. The Dark Knight
5. Hellboy 2

I picked these mostly due to their onslaught of special effects, the storytelling, and appeasing my geek infested roots. All categories must be met to qualify for the Big Screen Honor. Those that don't fall into the Wait For DVD which include "Hancock", "Get Smart" and "Madagascar 2 Africa". Wait. The latter might get catapulted to the above list because when I saw the trailer, I laughed harder than I expected. We'll see.

So far I have seen movies 1-3 and they met my predictions of quality to an extent.

Iron Man
Many of my friends raved and awed at this movie and I will admit, it was a hell of a lot better than I originally anticipated. How can one go wrong with Stan Winston (blessed geek gods may he rest in peace) at the helm designing the suit and the puppetry? Robert Downy, Jr. was made to play Tony Stark. He captured the true arrogant, spoiled, playboy millionare with a heart of gold (er...radioactive doo hicky?) perfectly. The lines were sharp and the acting was done by actors who didn't want this to come off as yet another Marvel Comic movie, but a REAL, adventurous movie. Campiness was in the right amounts and no one was a cardboard cutout. My only gripe is the story. True, my knowledge of the Iron Man mythos is small compared to The Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spider Man, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and the X-Men. But I know enough. I simply felt the story dragged, which is a shame because everything else about the movie was a delight and it was more entertaining than what my Movie-Fu predicted. Do I feel it warrants the BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVAAAAAAAAR!!? No. If I were to rank it, this is how I would do it (aren't lists fun?):
1. Batman Returns / Superman 1979
2. Spider-man
3. Iron Man / X-Men (all three movies)
4. Hellboy
5. Spider-man 2
6. Fantastic Four (THE WORST)
7. Fantastic Four 2 (and they made a sequel WHY??)

Indiana Jones - The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
My, my, my, my, my. Where should I begin? Last year when I heard the fourth movie in the Indian Jones series would be released, I was so ecstatic. I am quite the fan and "Raiders" I still love to watch and marvel at the physical stunts sans CGI. Great story, great characters, and as much as Marian would find trouble, at least she wasn't whiney like Kate Capshaw's character in "Temple of Doom". "The Last Crusade" is also a favorite because, well, c'mon...Harrison Ford and Sean Connery sharing the screen? A sensually healthy woman would literally burst at all the testosterone emminating off that screen. lol

So, yes, I was all looking forward to seeing Indy back in action. In the beginning, I was impressed at just how nubile Ford is at 60+ years of age. Jumping here, leaping there, throwing punches. Zang. Going back to that infamous government cargo hold from the ending of "Raiders" added a nice nostalgic refernce. There were quite a few: a tip of the hat to Brody and Indy's Dad, Henry; glimpse of the Ark; Indy crackin' that whip like a pro; even the reintroduction of Marion Ravenwood (Yay Karen Allen!). However, as nice as it was to revisit an old archeological friend, there were moments of cheese I could have done without.

Firstly, it was quite obvious in the beginning that "Mutt" was Indy's son. And the play on names was sickly cute too (Indiana took on the name from his favorite dog. His son took on the name Mutt, get it?). Indy's weapon of choice was his whip; Mutt's is his saber. Indy got a cut on his chin when first using the whip; Mutt got a cut on his cheek during his first sword fight....in the jungle...straddling two jeeps....while fighting the worst Russian-accented villian I've ever heard Cate Blanchet do.

Second....the story. Indy visiting old Mayan temples and what they dug up from Area 51 is interesting due to the movie taking place in the 1950's; however, I began to smell a familiar, foul smell. Faint at first, yet as the movie continued with it's crystal skulls and weird mummies with elongated heads it grew more dank and rancid. The stank didn't reach it's peak until the first of the two endings. Indy and gang escape the toppling temple and the inevitable doom it would have brought them. Huffing and puffing and breathing a sigh of relief, the characters and myself, felt positive everything was done. If the story ended right then, I would have been satisfied.

Cue the mountain of rubble shaking...vibrating.....glowing? Emerging from the ancient stones is.....wait for it......a huge flying saucer! Indiana Jones has his first close encounter with extraterrestrial life. Indy. Not Elliot. Not Han Solo or Luke Skywalker. And sure as hell not Roy Neary. Sucking in my breath I thought, "I hate you George Lucas". You would think now after the geekdom catastrophe of the first three chapters of Star Wars, he would learn he makes a better Idea Man and to hire people to write for him. Why? Because he sucks as a writer. Completely. The man is a Visionary, not a craftsman. And he simply had to push the envelope and slip in his Star Warsy two cents worth with that insipid ending. You know what George needs to do? Hire someone who will stand beside him with a ruler and smack his hand when he believes he can do more than visualize.

"Say, I know EXACTLY how to do the special effects in this one scene. Now if we can just get..." *SMACK!*

"Yeah, Mr. Hired Screenwriter, that's nice, but I have a more ingenious way in which that scene can be written..." *SMACK!* Take your hand away from the script, George. Yes, we know it's shiny and you are a megalomaniac....put the pen down.

"I don't think we should cast Harrison Ford as Indy, maybe we should find someone hipper...newer....who's never carried a film before. You know, someone as good as Hayden Christen?" *SMACK-THWACK-DOUBLE UBER SMACK!* Sit back down, George and have a cookie.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not letting Spielberg off the hook either. Speilberg, I adore you. Many of your movies are in my top faves. But like many directors, you have your bombs. Honestly, you've done better than Indy4. I do, however, thank you profusely for not following your buddy George's lead and white wash the entire movie with CGI. Why do stunts? Have CGI do them? Why have sets? Have CGI paint them in! You show restraint in that area where Lucas does not. Spielberg might have contributed to the saucer idea, but I doubt it. I believe the reason there are two endings is because each icon wanted their own. Lucas got the corny flying saucer and Spielberg got the corny, but cute wedding of Indy and Marion so that everything is wrapped in a happy ending bow.

Final thought -- you know a movie is bad when a specific scene has helped replace the pop phrase "jumping the shark" with "nuking the refrigerator". I ain't lyin'.

WALL-E
I had no doubt this movie would be amazing, mind-blowing, awe-inspiring and if you'll pardon the pun -- stellar. Pixar can kick Disney's ass any day. Their movies are of pure craftmanship and love, with characters so real you actually forget you are watching animation (ie: "The Incredibles"). In this day and age of computer animation, there are still too many out there who cater to the audience with goofy characters ("Ice Age") and low brow humor. I like "Shrek" as much as the next person, but to me it is NOT a well crafted movie --- "The Incredibles", "Finding Nemo" and now "WALL-E" are. Why? Because of the story and the emotions they invoke. Animation is not simply for laughs and physical gags, but to provoke....be insightful...allow us to be carried along with the story teller.

The first fifteen minutes of "WALL-E" touched my heart and broke it. I was in awe from the spectacular advancements in technology where I could make out the realistic grime on the metal surfaces; watch a dust cloud storm; see WALL-E holding a rubicks cube and have it be touchable; the pure polish of Eve which reminded me many animators must be fans of their iPods or Macbooks. The detail was impeccable. Then I felt ashamed for our species because the movie begins 700 years in the future where humankind has abandoned Earth and left the cleaning up to the Waste Allocation Lift Loader - Earth Edition. Cubes upon cubes upon cubes upon cubes of trash are compacted and put together to form towering piles higher than the highest highrise.

I shall not spoil the entire message of this movie. The social commentary of "WALL-E" is playfully poignant but didn't lose it's hard felt zing of "This is what we've become" either. Of course all the supporting characters (who else but Pixar can make a realistic looking cockroach CUTE??) and the comic timing were a joy to behold. I cried some tears of shame and more tears of joy. The vast array of emotions I experienced reminded me of my 12 year old self when I saw "E.T". But WALL-E surpasses it with a real life nudge. Or a much needed kick in the ass for the human race.

All children -- go see this film.
All adults -- you need to relearn a few things too. See this film.

Oh, and a nifty treat, the opening appetizer short "Presto" will become a classic. I declare it so.

That concludes this installment of "La Mutie at the Movies". LOL! Thanks for joining me and I shall see you in the back row.